Applebees would like everyone to think that after eating a meal there that you'll be "feeling good in the neighborhood."

There really is an Applebees practically in the neighborhood, and since it's not a place we normally frequent, I thought the kids and I should check it out.  Dad was out of town this weekend, and he says it's definitely not his favorite place to go, so the timing was right.

The timing was also right because both kids had received certificates for  a "free kids meal" with purchase of adult entree.

After being seated at the restaurant, which took virtually no time at all, I noticed after placing our order that the kids' certificates read, in very fine print which was hard to read in this dimly lit place, "only one free kid meal per adult."

In other words, I'd be paying not only for my entree, but for one of the kids' meals.

The waitress was apologetic and very sincere about it. I evidently didn't look threatening enough that the manager wanted to bother coming out to see if I had any questions or problems with this development. 

I couldn't help feeling a little gypped, though.  The certificates were given to the kids as a reward from school, and I can't help but wonder who really gets the prize: the kids, or the restaurant? Especially when only one child at a time can redeem his good fortune.

What, I asked the embarrassed waitress, do you do with single parents? When they have more than one child?  She didn't know, and continued to convey her apologies.

My feeling is, if a kid receives a certificate to a restuarant as a reward, no parent should have to ask another adult to tag along so both children can receive a free meal.  I'd feel obligated to purchase my tag-along adult's meal, which would end up costing me more money anyway and so what, in my opinion, is the point of a "free" kids meal?

Well, that's not really the fault of Applebee's--unless they want to change their policy. That complaint really belongs to the school, which will insist on rewarding children with food certificates for good grades and good citizenship.

As far as it goes, eating at Applebee's is not the be-all, end-all experience they'd like you to believe.

My kids did order off the children's menu. My son, who is in his burger phase, decided on two mini cheeseburgers, which come with fries.  The burgers looked good, had a layer of melted cheese, and a nice-sized, home-made looking bun.  He ate enthusiastically, though he did state a couple of times that he much preferred the mini-cheeseburger offerings at the local Bob Evans.

He stated this a couple of times not only because he believed it, but because I couldn't hear him, even though he was sitting right across from me.  I found Applebees to be a little too loud.  I like music as much as the next person, but when the music is loud, the patrons get louder. I then feel like I'm at a college bar instead of a restuarant, dining with my children.  The only other place I've found to be louder is Uno's. 

My daughter decided to stick with something safe, and ordered the macaroni and cheese, which came with a chunky stick of garlic bread.  While we ate, I noticed my daughter seemed underwhelmed by the whole experience.  I knew she was hungry since we had an early lunch, but her dinner didn't seem to be making her too happy. She didn't finish the macaroni and cheese, and didn't touch the garlic bread, which she normally likes.  I think the portion was rather small, despite this being a kid's menu item.  Anyone who has $1.12 to spare could pick up a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese and split the contents with their child and have a more fulfilling meal.

To help make up for it, I asked the kids if they'd like dessert. Of course--is the Pope Catholic?  So we ordered the Oreo cookie ice cream from the children's menu.

It arrived, a glass sundae dish with a small scoop of ice cream in it, a crushed Oreo cookie on the bottom, and an Oreo cookie decoratively placed in the whipped cream on the top, drizzled in chocolate. Well, this looked promising!

At least, it looked promising until I started to eat.  The sundae cup was about 2/3 full of whipped cream, and very little ice cream.

I'm starting to understand why Applebee's likes to keep its diners in semi-darkness while they eat.

The total bill, for one child's meal, one adult entree, and three kid menu desserts, came to about $20.00.  Not a horrifying amount by any means, but I really don't think we got our money's worth.

The most disappointing thing of all was the non-smoking section.  I know I've been spoiled over the years by the smoke-free dining that most of the local establishments provide.  I remember the days when one couldn't eat out or shop at the local K-mart without coming in contact with cigarette smoke.  Yes, Virginia, shoppers actually used to smoke while they browsed the merchandise.

I responded "non-smoking" to the hostess's query.  So imagine my surprise when she led us to a table seated two steps up and right next to, though slightly above, a group of fogeys who were happily puffing away.

Now, when a restaurant has smoking and non-smoking sections, it would be nice if the non-smoking diners could be separated from their smoking compatriots by more than a half-wall and a decorative railing.  This does absolutely  nothing to prevent smoke from entering my lungs through the simple act of respiration, which all living beings must do.  That decoratively scrolled railing does nothing to prevent smoke from adhering to my clothing and hair, and seasoning the food I eat.

If I'd wanted my food smoked, I'd have stayed home and grilled something outside.

As I looked around the restaurant, I noticed all the non-smoking sections were designed this way.

I couldn't help but wonder what was the point.

I was sitting a few feet above the smoking patrons, who are certainly within their rights to enjoy a before dinner, during dinner, and after dinner cigarette if they choose. And the entire table full definitely chose to partake of their tobacco products.

But smoke doth rise, doth it not?

So if "non-smoking" means "seated about three feet above the smoking section" with only a half-wall and a decorative rail, why bother at all. 

After our dining experience, which my ten-year-old deemed "mediocre" without any prompting whatsoever from me, I'm thinking that I can find other establishments in which to "feel good."

The other places might not be close to my neighborhood like the local Applebees, but frankly I'd rather drive a few more miles for better food and places that are smoke free, or at least have a separate space for non-smoking patrons where second-hand smoke isn't going to be an issue. 

Sorry Applebees, despite the good service our waitress provided, we won't be coming back.